Things That War Doesn't Change
by Heaven And Above
Summary: Sirius falls in love with Remus. A take on how his emotions evolve throughout the years and how they get together before the tragedies the war brings to their lives. Fifth year through James and Lily's wedding. Canon-compliant (sort of), Wolfstar, RL/SB, slash
1. Chapter 1

"Why do you ask, Sirius?" James tilts his head to the side interested.

"No reason." Sirius mutters and pouts, feeling the uneasy feeling in his gut intensify.

Truthfully there is a reason.

"I don't really wanna tell you about that." James hums and his ears turn bright red.

Sirius raises his eyebrows. Other two fifteen year olds that are also in the room raise their heads to look at the Potter boy.

Sirius nods solemnly.

"You, Peter?" He tries, ignoring the weird response he got from James.

"Really?" Peter's answer is borderline sarcastic and the boy turns his head back to the Potions' essay he is writing.

James and Sirius exchange humorous looks, while Remus frowns disapprovingly at them.

"Moony?" Sirius asks finally getting to the real purpose of this conversation. His voice sounds almost fearful to him and he is hoping that the others don't catch on.

"Heh." Remus chuckles. "James, it was James."

Sirius' eyes almost drop out of their sockets. He turns quickly to James, who's now _all _red as a tomato.

"We agreed not to tell anyone!" The tomato boy exclaims indignantly.

"It's just Sirius, who is he going to tell?" Remus shrugs calmly and turns his attention back to the book in his lap.

"_Wait!" _Sirius almost growls. "What do you mean?!"

Remus meets his friend's stare and quirks one eyebrow at his reaction.

"Last Christmas' holiday. James accidentally bumped into me in the dark." Remus explains shortly.

"And?" Sirius all but yells, utterly terrified.

"_And_ we apparently had the luck of bumping into each other under a mistletoe." Remus laughs easily.

"Moony, how can you be so nonchalant about this?" James whines and hides his face in his hands.

"I'm guessing it was your first kiss too, then." Peter interjects with a mocking glint in his eyes.

James mumbles something that none of them can make out.

"It was an enchanted mistletoe, Padfoot, it was either that or being stuck there until morning and possibly being covered in measles or something." Remus explains further upon seeing Sirius stare at him disbelievingly.

"You're…you're… you're-" Sirius mutters disoriented, the understanding of what he's hearing finally dawning on him.

"James is completely horrible at that by the way." Moony teases grinning widely.

"I'm not! And what can you tell, anyways! It was only a peck!" James says outraged and completely embarrassed at the same time.

"Exactly. And yet I somehow ended up with your saliva all over my face." Remus muses.

"Gross." Peter says monotonously.

Sirius shuts them out.

He watches as the werewolf boy laughs animatedly and bickers with the other two, taking in his slightly scrawny frame and bright golden eyes.

Sirius had overheard a conversation about this girl in their D.A.D.A. class getting her first boyfriend. And he started thinking about firsts. About how there were many that were still left to him in that field.

Then his thoughts had at one point somehow jumped to Moony. He didn't know how, but they did. And then he suddenly wanted to know about Moony's firsts. And how much of them were still left. And if not all of them, then where he had left them. With whom. When. Why.

And then he just had to ask.

Though at this particular moment he somehow wishes he didn't.

For he feels something is stolen from him and it makes his skin crawl with this uncomfortable feeling.

He doesn't want any other firsts of Moony's to be given away.

* * *

The following week Sirius kisses a girl. A nameless ravenclaw for all he cares. He almost skips back to the dorm where he knows Remus would be and smiles at the boy.

He boasts in the loudest, proudest, most stuck up and annoying manner he can pull off about the deed done and watches the boy's reaction carefully.

"Congrats, Padfoot. What's her name?" Remus smiles calmly, putting the book down and looking at Sirius.

"What do you mean, 'what's her name'?" Sirius replies completely appalled.

"Uh…" Remus scratches the back of his head, confused.

"What kind of a reaction is _that_?" Sirius spits out resentfully.

What the hell does Moony mean with his 'congrats'?

Does he think Sirius kissed that stupid bird to… to…

"I'm not quite sure I know what you want me to say." Remus shifts under angry grey eyes uncomfortably, at a loss as to how he is supposed to react.

"Are you an idiot?!" Sirius huffs impatiently and from the look he is given, he suddenly knows that the art of jealousy is completely beyond his limits, while the art of pissing Moony off he has mastered without even noticing.

"Sirius, what do you expect me to say?" Remus repeats and raises one eyebrow frowning.

Sirius thinks about the response he expected to get and decides that he's probably better off not saying it out loud.

"I don't know."He murmurs quietly instead and takes one more glance at the amber eyes which are looking at him with a mixture of annoyance and confusion.

He then leaves the room with his head down and feeling like he just left something important unsaid.

That's the first time Sirius is truly aware of what it is he wants from Moony.

It's also the first time he begins to suspect that it might just be out of his reach.


	2. Chapter 2

When they're sixteen Sirius is floating down the hallway, dragging a girl from Hufflepuff by her hand with him.

He's all smiles and he sees that she's blushing and grinning like crazy. He feels a sense of accomplishment because he knows he's the one responsible for the expression on her face.

It's like a badge on his cape. Like it's official that he's wanted.

That he's the one who can get the most sought after girl in their year and do it with almost no effort put into it.

He stops and pulls the girl in planting a kiss on her cheek.

She giggles.

He smirks at that and starts running again, because it's a nice day outside and he's in a hurry to both soak in the unusually bright sunlight and show her off to his friends that are probably sitting somewhere spread out on the lawn.

He's not completely right though as one of his friends is not outside, but rather dutifully walking down the hallway looking out the window longingly while his prefect badge ties him to the castle doing his rounds.

Moony's eyes fall on the couple and he stops in his tracks watching them run towards him.

"Sirius!"He exclaims and Sirius slows down.

His heart, on the contrary, speeds up and there are two urges in him at once.

One is to let go immediately of the girl's hand and the other is to push her forward, show how happy she is to Remus.

Shove her in his face to see how he reacts.

So Sirius doesn't let go, instead just slows them both into a walk and observes Remus' expression.

"Moony." He smiles as casually as he can.

"No running in the hallway!"Remus chastises and Sirius's heart sinks realizing that this is the reason Remus stopped them in the first place.

Sirius's is extremely careful not to let his face fall.

He's careful to the point, where he hears a quiet 'ouch' because he's squeezing the hand in his too tightly.

"Sorry."He murmurs and even he's not sure which one of them he's talking to.

They stop in front of Remus and Sirius's sees the girl offering a small smile to his friend in the corner of his vision.

He'd rather she snarled, because this makes Remus smile brightly back and that just makes Sirius feel all the more awful.

"Hello."Remus says to the girl and his eyes stop on their intertwined hands just for a brief moment.

Sirius knows what it is.

It's Moony acknowledging the situation politely but letting Sirius say something first.

Sirius actually wants him to be demanding.

He wants to be asked what nonsense he's doing.

He wants to be yelled at.

He wants a fight.

He wants Remus' anger. His jealousy. His possessiveness.

But there's nothing but friendly encouragement as their eyes meet and Sirius wants the earth to swallow him whole.

The feeling of accomplishment now is replaced by the sense of uselessness.

Sirius feels almost dirty.

Because no matter how many girls he got it wouldn't bring him one millimeter closer to Moony.

And that makes the feeling of the girl's hand in his almost unbearable.

He feels two pairs of eyes on him waiting for him to say something.

Probably introduce them.

The words are there on the tip of his tongue, but they're too heavy to be spoken out loud.

So he stands there like an idiot gaping at the ground.

Fortunately James, the boy with perfect timing, saves Sirius from humiliation.

"Remus!" He runs down the hallway calling his friend.

Excitement colors his hazel eyes and makes Sirius almost certain that no matter why he's looking for Remus, it most certainly has to do either with some sort of new 'master plan' or a certain redheaded Gryffindor female.

"James, no running!"Remus yells angrily and the girl by Sirius' side chuckles, which in turn makes Moony look at her surprised and then chuckle too.

And it makes Sirius' blood boil.

"Sorry, sorry, Moony."James is panting and out of breath and looking even more ruffled than usual. His eyes then recognize Sirius.

"Padfoot?"He asks appearing quite surprised.

"Someone needs a new pair of glasses."Remus smiles at his friend.

"Well certainly, because I'm pretty sure I'm seeing a very pretty girl holding our friend's hand."James grins impishly.

"That's not just you actually, James." Moony replies and they exchange amused glances.

"This is Emily."Sirius forces out of his mouth.

"That part I think we both know, Padfoot, it's the part where she's holding your hand we don't understand."James laughs and Remus pokes him lightly in the ribs.

"Don't make fun of him, James." His tone is reprimanding but he's still smiling at the joke.

"Girlfriend. She's my girlfriend."Sirius adds then wanting to just leave her standing there while he goes somewhere to hide.

Because amber eyes are glinting with the light of the spring catching in them and Sirius is holding someone else's hand.

"Damn, I think I just lost a bet."James groans.

"Hm?"Remus asks.

"I totally thought I would be first."James runs a hand through his hair conceitedly and Remus rolls his eyes.

"Well I suggest you tone your self-love down a couple of notches before you lose that bet to Lily too." He laughs at his friend and James' face falls as he turns bright red.

And Sirius stands there watching their banter feeling like he's about to break down.

Mind you he knows it's no one's fault but his own yet he still can't help it.

The fact that he's standing there with a pretty girl by his side looking at him like he's the stars and the moon in the sky and still.

Still he's the one feeling out of his mind jealous when James pushes Moony to the side and then ruffles the guy's hair.


	3. Chapter 3

After that it's Mary and Gillian and Rose and Niamh.

And Sirius is now not trying to get the reaction he knows just isn't coming.

He's just trying to deal with his own feelings this way.

Maybe if he found someone he wouldn't care as much about the slight ever present concerned frown on Moony's face.

Maybe he wouldn't notice the way his hair got blonder after the summer before their seventh year at Hogwarts.

Maybe he wouldn't notice the need to touch getting stronger.

Maybe he would finally not feel so lonely every time Remus looks away.

Maybe, just maybe, he would finally stop going out of his mind trying to make Remus keep on noticing him every second of every day.

"You're looking a bit out of it lately."Remus comments one morning, observing the circles under Sirius' eyes.

"Naw, I'm fine, it's just the bloody homework. I swear the more I try to do it the more it multiplies." Sirius responds lightheartedly.

Even though he wants to be noticed he doesn't want Remus to worry.

And yet it's not really homework that's the cause of this. He's just getting more and more restless to the point where sleep doesn't come easily anymore.

Sirius doesn't know much but he thinks that it's weird. Because isn't it supposed to fade with time instead of getting stronger?

But he also notes that it probably grows with him.

It deepens as he lets Moony come closer, to see the vulnerable parts of him and allows himself to seek comfort in quiet nightly conversations on the topic 'why life sucks'. It deepens more when Remus opens up too. When Sirius sees those very real fears in usually guarded to perfection eyes, when he's the one grumbling about how Remus is wrong about his future as a wave of protectiveness sweeps over Sirius' very core.

And before Sirius knows it there's another notion born inside of him.

He now stays quiet not because he's afraid like he was before but because he doesn't want to trouble Moony.

Don't get him wrong, no matter the reason it still hurts.

The further they get the more it tears at Sirius turning what was once an uneasy gnawing of possessiveness and wounded pride into real unadulterated pain and longing for something he's now afraid of even thinking about.

This is why Sirius decides that growing up sucks.

It's Sirius' seventeenth birthday the night his girlfriend breaks up with him and James and Lily get into their very first fight since the start of their relationship.

He's standing at his own party in the Gryffindor common room wiping away the water his now-ex splashed over him after making a scene about how he 'just doesn't care about her at all'.

"You'll have to forgive me, Padfoot, for feeling better that I'm not the only one with no luck in the love department tonight." James grumbles as he approaches Sirius eyeing his wet clothes.

"Be my guest, I'm happy I can make you feel better."Sirius shrugs and earns himself a strange look.

"You know, you could at least pretend to be upset about it."James says frowning.

"Didn't you hear her? I just don't care."Sirius sighs heavily at that and James' frown deepens.

"I really don't understand you. I mean I get that most of the time it's a game to you but I refuse to believe there was no one that made you… well you know feel. Good then bad, great and then like you're on the verge of jumping of a roof." James' eyebrows are furrowed and Sirius smiles at how clearly it can be seen that James is on the low part of those mood swings tonight.

"I'm seventeen, mate, not seventy, I have time. Not all of us meet our true loves in school."Sirius pulls out his most charming smirk as he winks at James.

James however glares at him skeptically.

"Is that what you tell yourself?"

Sirius is taken aback for just a moment and opens his mouth to go into his defensive mode but thinks better of it.

"What is that supposed to mean?"He asks and James rolls his eyes.

"You know exactly what that is supposed to mean, don't pretend to be daft."

"Not pretending, unfortunately."Sirius mumbles but there's a knowing glint in James' eyes that makes Sirius think that maybe he's just been caught.

James however suddenly looks alert and his eyes are on something on the other side of the room.

Sirius follows his gaze and sees Remus talking to a very unhappy looking Lily, sitting in an armchair.

Slowly a hesitant smile forms on her lips and Remus grins encouragingly biting his lower lip in a way that makes Sirius' insides churn.

"What…"Sirius thinks it's him who says it but it's not. The word is James' as they stand there watching Lily tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and look down coyly.

That's when some idiot yells at everyone to start dancing as a semi-slow song comes on and several couples stand up.

Sirius watches in complete mortification as Remus extends his hand to Lily and…winks.

She hesitates for a moment then says something to which he shakes his head and then she takes it.

"Shit."Escapes Sirius' throat rippling through it as his heart sinks.

James says nothing as he's too busy watching the couple walk to the others and Lily's arms wrap around Remus' neck as his make their way to her waist.

"Do something."Sirius whines to James as his hands start trembling.

"Like what?"James barks out looking ready to kill.

"I don't fucking know. Just control your girlfriend!"Sirius snaps back.

He doesn't notice that they look like a pair of complete idiots standing there with their necks extended to their full abilities and standing on the tips of their toes to get a better view.

Remus says something and Lily laughs and then rests her head on his shoulder.

"How about you control your wolf!"James grunts back.

And Sirius doesn't even care that it's now clear that James has seen through Sirius and his feelings. He's too busy to deny it or to pretend.

It's actually not even on his mind.

"He's not mine, James, that's why _you're_ going out there and collecting her before I rip her hands off!" Sirius says to his friend and pushes his back towards the crowd.

James stumbles a little and gives Sirius a nasty glare but when Remus spins Lily around and their bodies crash as she falls into his arms after, James is off with a determined look on his face.

Sirius watches and lets relief wash him over as he sees James tap Remus shoulder.

They exchange a couple of words and then Remus releases Lily's hand and steps away, as James replaces him.

Elegantly done, Sirius thinks and then notices Moony making his way towards him with a slight smile.

He quickly pretends to be looking somewhere else and then realizes that it's probably the most obvious and stupid thing he could've done.

He curses at himself.

And there he was thinking this situation was past jealousy and humiliation.

Obviously that didn't go anywhere.

Sirius just runs a hand over his hair tiredly feeling like the pathetic idiot that he is.

"Sirius?"He hears Remus' voice but doesn't really want to turn around.

Why?

Because his cheeks are hot and he doesn't really want Moony to see it.

He breathes in and tries to calm down before facing his friend staring at him with his head slightly tilted to the side.

"Are you okay?"

"Perfect."Sirius answers and gives Remus his brightest smile.

Remus then looks Sirius up and down frowning slightly and Sirius remembers that he's still drenched.

"Really, I swear you just forget you even have a wand sometimes." Remus grumbles, pulls out his wand out of his robe and points it at Sirius.

A couple seconds later Sirius' clothes are as dry as they were at the beginning of the evening.

"I really feel uncomfortable when you perform silent spells on me."He then teases pretending to check if all of his limbs are in place.

"Ha ha ha, Padfoot," Moony murmurs sarcastically, "Don't you trust my abilities?"

"I trust them ten times more than my own."Sirius shrugs to that and pulls out his most charming smile, which receives a strange look from Moony.

Sirius knows well enough that even his best lines wouldn't have the same effect on Remus as they do on the girls Sirius is used to charming but he still feels a pang of pain shoot through him at the confusion on his friend's face.

Which makes him remember that he shouldn't even be trying to flirt with Moony in the first place.

Remus eventually brushes the conversation off and turns to look at James and Lily who apparently have already made up and are dancing like there's only the two of them in the room.

Sirius sneaks a look at Moony's face and is surprised to find that there's a rather satisfied looking smile sitting of his lips.

"You did that on purpose, didn't you?" Sirius asks amazed.

"Of course."Remus' smile widens, "I know James well enough to know how to push his buttons. It's quite easy."

Sirius thinks that then he must be easy too.

He just wonders if Remus has noticed.

Because if James knows then it would be a miracle for someone as sharp as Remus to be blind.

Unless he's pretending to be for the sake of them both.

"Should I go dance with your girlfriend next?"Moony asks and turns to Sirius with an amused glint playing in his eyes. "Though I doubt I'm up to her standard."He wrinkles his nose.

"Don't."Is all Sirius is able to squeeze out. And he's sure he looks desperate no matter how much he's trying to hide it. "You won't get the reaction you predict, I promise."

Remus' eyebrows shoot up.

"Is it below the Great Sirius Black to be jealous like us mere mortals are? Or am I not enough of a threat?"He laughs.

Sirius wants to laugh too, only he finds his humor in the irony of the situation.

"No, Moony, it's not. Trust me."He allows himself to muse and looks at the ceiling.

"Sorry, it was meant to be a joke."Remus apologizes and Sirius can tell that he means it.

"No worries, Remus, I'm just… In a funny mood today I guess." He soothes feeling guilty.

"You don't look too happy to be at your own birthday."Remus comments and Sirius looks at him smiling wryly.

He then shrugs. Because he's feeling a hundred times better than he did five minutes ago. Because Moony's here.

But at the same time he can't really say that aloud and so there's a lump in the back of his throat.

His hand is itching to brush the stray strand of hair falling into Remus' eyes.

He stays still but can't help trying to communicate everything going through his head to Moony through his eyes.

But if Remus sees something he doesn't let on.

And so the feeling of something important left to hang in the air to never be caught is back and it's ripping Sirius apart again.

He presses his lips together and pushes his hands into his pockets where they can't really tremble as much.

"I'll just go, you know, mingle."He hums to Remus looking down.

He's running away before he does something stupid.

"Sure. But Sirius…"Remus voice is hesitant.

It's so uneasy in fact that it makes Sirius look up.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

_No, I'm not._

"I'm fine, Moony, you worry too much."

"Really? Is there nothing I can do?"

_A lot. There's actually a lot you can do. Just do anything at all and it'll be more than enough._

"Everything's perfect! Really!"


	4. Chapter 4

It is James and Lily's wedding day.

The group of friends is small because attracting attention is too much of a privilege these days and they just cannot really risk it.

Besides, Sirius knows that James and Lily are both fine with this.

Actually all of them are.

Because times like these teach you to value what's most important and be happy that it hasn't been stripped away just yet.

Sirius takes this day to think his life over.

Because Remus is here and he's all proper in his dress cloak and slicked back hair Sirius also takes time to think over this feeling he has that hasn't subsided in the least no matter how hard he tried to make it.

For tonight Sirius is too tired of fighting all the battles around him including this one so he just lets himself feel.

He lets his eyes rake over the guy over and over as many times as they can because his heart is yearning for something similar to what James and Lily have and he knows that even if he has no chance with Moony he also can't even give it a serious thought if it's someone else.

That's the reality of the situation and he's starting to accept that it's going to be this way for quite some time until he'll finally be able to start moving on.

He also doesn't fight because there are enough wars out there.

He feels like he should just be happy in this little isle of serenity, like otherwise he's wasting a very precious opportunity.

He sees the wars in the faces all around him. It's in the news, it's in the conversations. It's at his doorstep actually.

It's in Moony's eyes that have been darkening little by little every day since graduation.

So just for tonight, because everyone around seems to be pretending that there hasn't been and there will be nothing wrong for years, Sirius will pretend too.

"I see you've buried any discretion that you had before."Sirius jumps at James's voice and turns to face his friend instead of keeping his eyes on Remus holding a glass of champagne and speaking to Lily cheerily.

"There wasn't much, so it wasn't all that hard." He responds and James chuckles.

He notices then that there's an air of maturity around his friend that wasn't there before.

"If you are waiting for me to argue… well, sorry."James throws Sirius a wink.

"It's okay; I know my strengths and my weaknesses."Sirius shrugs and glances over his shoulder again. He just doesn't want to lose track of what Remus does or whom he talks to.

He doesn't know why it's so important but it is.

"You're at his mercy, I hope you realize that."James grins at his friend's behavior.

"Says the groom."Sirius rolls his eyes in response.

"Sirius, you should probably listen though."James' face turns solemn.

"Oh no, James has some wisdom to share! Give me something to write with! Quick!"Sirius exclaims and pretends to be looking around.

"Sirius, come on."James chastises.

"Okay, okay, I'm all ears."Sirius then smiles.

"Tell him. Today."James says looking into Sirius's eyes.

"Why?"Sirius shakes his head. "It's not like I don't know the answer already and besides why make him any more stressed out than he already is. You know him, he'd probably act like it's all his fault."

"Why are you so sure you know the answer?" James presses his lips into a tight line.

"Because-"

But then he notices that James is looking over his shoulder and turns around too, Remus' head snaps quickly to the other side of the room.

It then takes exactly five seconds for the guy's cheeks to color.

"No." Sirius murmurs trying to convince himself.

False hope is one of the cruelest things in the world and he knows better than to let it get under his skin.

"Mate, unlike you who didn't have that much discretion to start with, don't you think that our dear Moony is someone who couldn't allow himself not to have it?"James whispers into Sirius's ear pats his shoulder and stands up walking away to talk to other guests.

Sirius is left in a state of disbelief and it's the second glance Remus throws in his direction, one of someone checking if they've been caught, that snaps him out of his stupor.

"Couldn't be."He mutters to himself again.

But then…

What if?

That 'what if' turns everything Sirius was so sure of around.

Because really, the possibility of letting something like that slip by is much worse than the possibility of rejection.

Not only for Sirius.

The first possibility would leave Remus hurt, while the second would leave Remus at the very worst feeling uncomfortable and maybe not talking to one of his friends.

Also, in the light of dawn of what he felt was going to be terrible times for all of them Sirius, no matter how much he tries to deny himself, is too selfish not to grab at that tiny ray of hope.

He does deserve a little happiness in his life doesn't he?

They all do.

So just maybe…

He'll blame it on the champagne or the hazy state they're all in, if something happens, he soothes himself.

It's a spur of the moment type of courage that he has so he knows that he either acts fast or he loses it forever.

And so Sirius stands up.

He stands up and walks over to Remus with wooden legs.

His body calls him to walk the other way, to just…stop.

To forget it.

But for once he presses on with sheer willpower.

"Sirius." Remus nods for a greeting and smiles the ever warm friendly smile that only he has.

The one that sometimes haunts Sirius to the point of almost making him hate it, just not quite.

Sirius thinks that maybe he should respond with a greeting and a smile of his own, but honestly, he's too far gone for that.

"Can we talk?"His voice is uneven and he's aware of how shaky he must look. "Please." He adds and that just sounds desperate.

Something flashes in Remus' eyes, something reminiscent of fear, and Sirius is not sure about how he should take it.

So at this moment he's glad that he has his own emotions to focus on instead. They are running wild making his heart beat so rapidly that he can hear the blood pumping in his ears.

"Sure."Remus says calmly any trace of whatever was there before gone and Sirius thinks that maybe he would feel better if whatever it was had stayed.

Sirius finds himself nodding towards the door he knows leads to a backyard garden and begins walking with Remus trailing behind him silently.

They're out and it's a beautiful night.

The stars are bright and Sirius thinks for a fleeting moment that for something unplanned this is rather nice.

He then remembers that he's probably expected to actually talk right now and every thought, stars or no stars, vanishes from his head in an instant.

"So?"Moony is looking at him curiously.

And Sirius knows he's in trouble.

Because his voice isn't obeying and nothing's coming out.

And that's not the worst of his problems because Sirius knows that even if he found his voice he wouldn't know what to use it for.

How do you even start approaching something like this?

"Padfoot?"Remus asks now looking a bit concerned and Sirius wonders if he looks like he's choking.

Sirius tries to quickly think everything over hoping to find a thread to follow.

"You know I really…"He starts but it doesn't sound right so he drops it. "Moony, could you please bear with me for a bit? I really don't know how to tell you this, okay?"

Remus gives him a wary look but nods in agreement nonetheless.

"You're important to me."Sirius thinks that maybe this is an okay way to start a confession and he looks at Remus for any kind of confirmation but what he finds is a blank expression. He doubts he has any reasonable way back now so he continues.

"Really important." That's something but that's probably enough of that one. Remus probably gets that he's important now.

"And I care about you a lot." Well great, but isn't that kind of the same as 'you're important' just paraphrased?

"Somewhere along the way though…"_What? Think! What!?_ "I may have…"

_Well great now you just have to say it._

_That's all you need to do._

_There really is no way around it now._

"May have…"Sirius repeats because words are just not there and Remus is looking at him and he's just a mess.

"I may have started thinking about you in a different way."He hums finally.

"What do you mean?"Remus furrows his eyebrows.

And for heaven's sake, Sirius thinks, isn't it clear what he means?!

"Uhh…"Sirius clears his throat. "Like I maybe…"

And suddenly he knows that he's doing it wrong.

Because he's Sirius Black and he really shouldn't be using that maybe 'uhs' and 'mays' and 'maybes' in a love confession.

He isn't a kid anymore for goodness sake.

So he gathers his pride, his courage and most of all his feelings and looks Remus straight in the eye.

He stands up straight and even manages to smile a little.

"Moony, I've been in love with you since I was fifteen."

And Remus stares at him in total silence for a moment. Then his mouth opens and closes again.

"Sorry, I thought I just heard you say…"Moony mumbles, looking lost.

"You heard correctly."Sirius stands his ground, because really, there is nothing else to do at this point.

"No, that can't be-"

"Moony, you're not going to be so cruel as to make me say it again, are you?"Sirius then breathes out and his heart is climbing out his throat, and he feels like he's about to throw up, but he manages to stand still and keep his expression carefully neutral and instead of fleeing at the sight of Remus' widened eyes he focuses all of his energy into keeping the corners of his mouth tilted slightly upwards.

And Remus does look like a fish thrown out of water, gasping for air silently, eyes searching for something in Sirius' expression.

"You're joking."He concludes finally and Sirius feels a jab in his chest, but refuses to back down now.

"Really, Remus, that would be one humorless joke I assure you. Not a thing funny about it."Sirius whispers and knows that in a way he is being unfair, as a whiny undertone enters his voice, but he can't help it, because it does hurt and he just needs it to stop after all this time.

"But…"Moony shakes his head and continues to look at Sirius as if he's just grown a second head. "I'm a guy."

And Sirius wants to just hide his hands in his face and scream. That's how painfully awkward that statement is.

Instead he nods and says simply "I'm aware."

He wonders if that means that not a single thought of another male has ever entered Remus' mind in that way before and that's why he finds it so surprising, because that would basically mean that it's about time for Sirius to try and play it off somehow and slowly slink away to some dark corner where he could just drink himself into oblivion.

"So then…"Remus frowns and gives Sirius a doubtful look.

"Does it really matter? Because that's not the point I'm trying to make here."Sirius murmurs quickly, before Remus becomes too transfixed by whatever labels his mind is trying to fit Sirius under at the moment.

"Right." Moony draws out and suddenly he's standing still, no longer talking or trying to, just staring at Sirius with a calculating glint in his eye as if Sirius is some puzzle he needs to solve.

"Look, I'd love to explain, but that's basically the gist of it." Sirius then tries, because he could try telling Moony that he didn't mean for it to happen or that it wasn't like 'that' at first, or that he should just forget it and Sirius will get it under control and won't bother him again.

But he did mean for it to happen. He never really fought it, and isn't even exactly ashamed of it, because he knows he can't change it.

It was always like 'that' and he's not about to lie, because he can't find it in himself to feel sorry about it either.

And he's nowhere near to getting it under control. And he won't be for some time.

So he stands there, like an idiot with no excuses, just fear bubbling in his stomach.

And as he's looking into the molten gold of Remus' inquisitive eyes shining in the silver light of the moon, he can't even remember why he shouldn't have told him. And maybe he should feel selfish for putting his friend in this position, when he knows how much it would bother him should the answer be not in Sirius' favor, but that doesn't matter anymore, because strangely enough, maybe due to the champagne or maybe not, Sirius doesn't remember anymore what's so wrong about him wanting Remus.

Surely there are worse sins than loving someone in this world.

And as Remus' lips press into a tight line, Sirius lets out a nervous chuckle.

"Remus, I'm not an essay you're preparing to write nor am I a problem to solve or a spell you have to master, there's really no right or wrong answer here." He breathes and knows his voice is shaky, but cannot help it, because, despite the feeling of blamelessness, rejection is still a terrifying possibility.

"I don't need you to weigh pros and cons and come up with some perfect solution. Just… whatever you're thinking will suffice."

"Right."Remus mumbles and Sirius thinks that Moony just managed to fit all the confusion in the world into that one syllable. "Honestly, I'm still trying to figure out what…"

Moony sighs and shakes his head.

And that's when Sirius realizes that he either shows Remus 'what' or they will be standing here all night, just waiting for Remus to wrap his head around it, not to mention actually react to it.

Or at least that's how Sirius justifies himself taking a few steps closer and brushing his lips against Moony's.

It could also be that Sirius may just want to kiss the guy and is doing exactly that, just because he wants to.

But in the end he just blames the champagne.

And he's not sorry for this either, because he's actually not sorry for anything and he can't be, as all coherent thoughts leave his mind.

He tries to be gentle, undemanding, but he can only keep it up for a couple seconds, before he's licking Remus's lower lip and putting more pressure into the kiss, trying to provoke a reaction. Any reaction.

It's vital that Remus responds, and trying to make him move is like gasping for air underwater.

He's frozen.

Sirius is not quitting, because if he has to fit a lifetime of emotion into this, he's going to do his best before he gives up.

His hands rise to hook around Remus' neck and then travel up into the dirty blond locks, pulling, petting, coaxing.

Sirius carries on, his only encouragement is that he's not being pushed away and there's no wand pointing at his chest yet.

"Moony."Sirius chokes out half a moan as he draws away for a shallow breath and returns to begging Remus by kissing him like he has never kissed anyone before.

And there it is.

A slight hesitant movement. It's barely there and for a second Sirius doubts that it's there at all but soon another follows and the sharp intake of air is now Moony's.

Then Sirius' whole world shifts because Moony's lips are dancing with his own and he feels the guy's hands slowly move up his back.

Remus' body presses closer and Sirius's blood is pumping so fast his ears are ringing and he's sure he's on the brink of a cardiac arrest.

Whether it's a 'yes' or a 'maybe' or a 'just this one time' Sirius cannot bring himself to care. In this moment that changes nothing. Actually, if it's the third, Sirius is surely not wasting the opportunity.

He catches the moment when Remus is gasping for air and uses it to push his tongue into the guy's mouth. When Remus tries to pull away, Sirius softens his attack slightly, but grasps Remus' hair and doesn't let him move an inch.

"Sirius," Remus hums, his lips brushing against Sirius' "Can I just-"

"Yes to whatever you're about to ask." Sirius whispers in response, and kisses Remus insistently.

"No, but-" Remus protests and Sirius knows he should let him talk. He does know, he just doesn't want to stop.

Mostly because there's this desperation inside of him, burning and blazing and refusing to be ignored.

With all he has he fights between clinging to Remus and wrenching himself away.

Then he slowly removes one finger after another from Moony's hair and forces his hands to come back to his sides as he breaks away from Remus's lips stepping back and focusing his gaze on the ground.

His breath is uneven and way too fast and he tries to find his voice longer than he probably should.

"I'm listening."He says eventually and raises his eyes carefully. He still is unprepared for the sight in front of him.

Remus looks properly disheveled and amazed.

And his lips are ever so slightly opened as the air he's trying to catch passes back and forth.

And if Sirius was given the choice to only ever remember one thing from his life up until that moment, he would choose the sight of Moony right now.

"Uh."Remus frowns. "I think… I think I forgot what I was about to say."

And Sirius holds in the laughter bubbling in his chest.

"I'm sure it was something related to me."He grins.

"Oh, it was."Remus' eyebrows press together.

"Maybe something related to me and a confession and a kiss. And maybe your opinion about the matter." Sirius encourages. His uneasiness and fear, while not disappearing completely, are subdued quite a lot because of the response he managed to get out of Remus.

Whatever it is, it's not hopeless.

"Right."Remus looks at Sirius strangely.

Sirius waits patiently.

Remus seems to remember something.

And a deep frown appears on his face.

"Why the hell would you like someone like me?"

And Sirius feels his mouth fall open.

Partly because Remus just used the word 'hell'.

Partly because he said it as if Sirius is crazy for even thinking about it.

And partly because the words 'why the hell not' are about to spill out.

But he catches himself.

"Is that the only objection I'm getting?" He asks instead.

Remus gapes at him for a moment.

"Well…"He starts but his voice dies out and he looks at Sirius confused.

"Like no 'get away from me' or 'Sirius, I'm sorry'?"Sirius searches Remus' expression but finds nothing close to repulsion or pity, just mere confusion and disbelief.

And then Sirius sees it. The insecurity and fear shining through and interprets it in his own favor.

"I'll make this easy for you, Remus."Sirius looks straight into Remus' eyes and even though he finds the words hard to repeat and unbearably heavy in his throat, he says them anyway. "I'm in love with you. Do you feel the same? Yes or no, everything else is curable."

And he sees it. The flash of complete terror in Remus' eyes just before the guy looks down.

And if it is what Sirius thinks it is, he understands, because he too is scared out of his mind to show any kind of vulnerability. But he can't sympathize or let Remus get away easily, because he's made himself completely vulnerable and now he needs Remus to do the same. He understands the disbelief and the distrust, because was the situation reversed he would find it hard to trust and respond honestly.

A hoax, he would think.

No way, he would reply.

He's not repeating it the third time, because even he doesn't have enough courage for that but he does step closer.

He catches the guy's eyes and whispers insistently, "Yes or no?"

Remus seems to be taken aback for a moment as he stares at Sirius' eyes. And Sirius knows that what comes next probably slips out from Remus unintentionally, without his permission.

Remus' lips form a soundless 'yes'.

And Sirius doesn't waste a second. He's kissing Remus again, heartily and without any restraint as his heart swells. His entire world shifts trying to accommodate the idea of Remus feeling the same.

But Sirius can't quite comprehend it just yet, so he just clings to Remus trying to keep his sanity.

And next thing he knows they're both writhing and gasping and pressing against each other. Remus' hands are everywhere at once and Sirius likes them that way.

He likes that they tumble under his jacket and tug at the back of his shirt and slide right under the material as soon as they have access. He likes the feel of fingertips sending shocks as they caress the skin of his lower back.

He hears a growl followed by a moan followed by a sigh and he doesn't know which sound was whose but he knows that they all travel straight down to the nether regions of his body and distract him enough so that he loses the rhythm his lips are moving at and then he is no longer in control of the kiss.

No longer in control of anything really, as Remus' tongue licks his lower lip and slips into his mouth right after and Sirius is an innocent again and doesn't know, can't remember, how one is supposed to respond to the feeling of someone exploring one's mouth. Mostly because the kiss is something else entirely, as Remus' hand comes up to hold the base of Sirius' neck steady and soothes the muscles with long fingers which seem to be both at once calming and igniting Sirius' nerve endings. And it feels hot and the world is ablaze and Sirius feels everything spinning like never before and he knows that he is probably mewling in content, but he can't actually hear it anymore because the pulse in his ears and the thumping of his heart is too fast and angry and drowns everything out.

The need to please dances somewhere in the back of Sirius' mind, trying to remind him that this is the part where he fights Remus' tongue with his own and bites the guy's lip slightly and smirks in the process. This is the part where instead of fumbling hopelessly searching for god knows what because he cannot control them, his hands actually work in a familiar pattern, slow and steady and inviting.

Nothing. He does nothing of the sort, allowing Remus to be in charge, kissing back with vigor but no technique and running his hands over his hair, then back, then hair again, just feeling the texture and the warmth of everything instead of trying to elicit a reaction.

Sirius just knows that Remus is all lean muscles and strength and that he never thought that it would be Remus holding them both upright and in place. That Remus would smell like cologne, because in Sirius' memories there's the slight smell of the library and cocoa attached to Moony instead. He never thought that it would feel this good to give control up. And then it hits Sirius that Remus is probably a bit of everything- a sweet mixture of the wide eyed innocence Sirius first fell for and the masculine force hiding under the insecurities and well exercised restraint Sirius only had glimpses of before. He walked right into that trap, thinking he stood a chance of keeping his bearings when in reality he is a puddle of emotion trickling down Remus' fingers.

He was fooled because the first time Remus was too stunned to respond properly.

Sirius is a schoolboy again and he knows that this is the end of him. He knows when his knees buckle and Remus has to hold half his weight up. He knows when his mouth follows Remus' retreating lips, refusing to let the guy pull away. He knows when his world honestly slips from under his feet and he loses balance and stumbles slightly at the sight of disheveled Moony looking at him flushed with dilated pupils, parted lips, and shallow breaths.

"Are you sure?"Moony breathes after a moment, wide eyed innocence coming back and looking at Sirius with all the wonder in the world as if his tongue and fingers were not just playing Sirius' body like a well known instrument. As if a switch is pulled when Remus is not attached to Sirius' lips. As if he goes from complete dominance back to the guy blushing and not capable to hold a steady gaze and slumping his shoulders slightly to protect himself from a nonexistent threat.

Does he even realize that he does it, Sirius wonders for a second.

"Nah, I just said all that to ruin our friendship, obviously. And that's definitely a wand that you feel, not anything else pressing against your thigh. And yes, if you let go now I would fall to the ground, but not because my knees are giving out or anything, just because I like the pain of collision." Sirius grumbles, getting slightly irritated by the confusion that doesn't seem to clear even after the way the kiss just reduced Sirius to this embarrassing trembling mess. Did Remus not feel all of _that?_"Of course, I'm sure. I wouldn't… I had four years to figure out that I am so very sure that it hurts."

He sees the color of Remus cheeks deepen even further.

"I mean… You're….I can't possibly be…"

"Okay, whatever you're about to say, I no longer accept it as a sound argument, because you don't say 'yes' and kiss someone like that and then start naming reasons of why you can't." Sirius shakes his head as his high subdues slightly at the words. Surely Remus wouldn't be so cruel as to keep the rejection part till the end.

"No, it's just that… why on earth would you like me?" Remus stares at Sirius with furrowed eyebrows.

"Well… this could take us a very long time, Moony, but if you wish I could name about a hundred separate things that I like _about_ you. As for _why _I like you… It's probably just a sum of everything. But really, I think that there's more to it, than just 'I like someone because of this, this and that'. I'm in love with you, I'm attracted to you and I also happen to think that I've never cared for anyone more."Sirius whispers under his breath. "And it's not something I chose after checking some points off some kind of list of 'to do before I'm in love with the person in question'. Just happened. Next thing I know my heart is racing and I want to touch you. And somewhere in there our friendship starts making me feel completely vulnerable. And I don't mind at all."

Remus is still frozen staring at Sirius as if trying to read his thoughts. He doesn't need to though because Sirius is spilling just about everything.

"You're sure?"Moony asks again.

"Merlin, Remus, yes, I'm sure, what's up with that que-"

But Sirius doesn't finish the protest because Remus is kissing him. It's quicker and lighter than before and Remus pulls away about a decade too early for Sirius' liking.

"Seventh year. That's when I knew. It was probably there before that, but at the beginning of seventh year the realization hit me like a brick. A heart shaped brick, I'm sure, but a brick nonetheless." Remus squeezes out through clenched teeth. "But you had… all these girls constantly around you and you seemed to… be not completely open with me. Like you were closing a part of yourself off and I just…decided to keep it to myself."

Sirius blinks once, looking at the top of Remus' head, because the guy is studying the ground as if the meaning of life itself is engraved in the pavement. He then processes. Then blinks again.

He then understands that 'heart shaped brick' is as close to an 'I love you too' Moony can muster at this particular moment. Even if it is a bit angsty and a bit too shy considering Sirius has just repeated the three words he has never said to anyone, without any metaphors mind you, three times in one night, Sirius takes the confession and lets his heart translate it into what he wants to hear oh so badly. He is too much of a beggar to be a chooser and if this is all of the admission he is getting from Moony ever, he is perfectly fine with it, because an hour ago this much seemed impossible.

Sirius cannot help his hand rising and running through the dirty blond locks. He cannot help pressing a chaste kiss into them either.

He certainly cannot help the happiness that threatens to spill right out of his chest.

"Are you sure?" He teases, though it takes him a lot of effort to sound lighthearted.

Moony slowly glances up, his eyes shyly peering through the eyelashes.

"Positive."

Sirius grins because he just got another confession, this time in the form of one worded affirmation.


	5. Chapter 5

When they emerge back into the restaurant all sneaky and slyly quiet several pairs of eyes land on them regardless, clear and understanding and teasing, and it's probably the most embarrassing moment of their lives.

Sirius doesn't _really_ bother to hide anything though.

He's pretty sure he couldn't if he tried, because if not their ruined hairstyles, despite all efforts to smooth the messes created by wandering fingers down, if not their slightly crooked ties, if not the red mark on Sirius' neck, if not the carefully left distance of a whole of two millimeters between their bodies, if not their expressions, surely the air and the feeling around the room would still give them away.

Sirius cannot explain it fully but he feels as if something too important and too significant to stay unnoticed just happened. Like there's a sign on his forehead screaming about what went on in that back yard.

When James' lips curl into a small smirk and the guy gives Sirius a slow nod with an almost congratulatory aura to it, Sirius rolls his eyes and takes Remus' hand, because why shouldn't he?

He stares at their fingers fitting together like he always knew they would and hums in appreciation.

He then raises his eyes to see Moony all bashful and shifty eyed and laughs.

"Now you're shy." He comments and gets a reproving scowl in return. "Not a prefect anymore, Moons, that look no longer works."

"It was never me being a prefect that made it work, Padfoot." Remus smiles warmly and the light of the room allows Sirius to see the twinkle in his eyes better and he now wishes that he could just drag the guy right back into the darkness, whether to kiss him into next week or to simply put them in an environment of poorer visibility.

Because seeing and wanting and not having has been the story of Sirius' life for too long now and he now just needs to either _have _or at least _not see._

"No, you're right. It wasn't. It was just me being smitten and trying to prove my unwavering obedience to the perfectly good and angelic boy just in case he decides to pat me on the head for it." Sirius nods smiling a smile of sheer self-mockery and indulgence.

He hears Remus breath pick up and traces a circle into the guy's palm with his thumb, obnoxiously glad that Remus doesn't mind standing there in plain sight with their fingers interlocked. In fact, he's throwing such sideways glances at Sirius that the latter just knows that Remus doesn't even notice the quiet murmur of their friends, observing and smiling from a respectful distance.

"So then, if you say it doesn't work anymore, why is it?" Moony inquires rather calmly, but the slight rasp of the baritone does not escape Sirius' notice.

"Well, first of all, I found out I've been tricked. Lied to. Deceived." Sirius replies with a dramatic shake of his head.

"Oh?"

"Yes, you see, perfectly good and angelic boys don't kiss like that." Sirius nods in pretend sadness.

And he feels so very proud when the guy's fingers squeeze his own that much harder.

"Also," Sirius whispers leaning slightly closer to Remus. "I might have decided that a pat on the head is not what I'm after."

"Is it not? Because I've been told I'm exceptionally good at those."Remus grins refusing to fall for the trap and pats Sirius' head with his free hand softly.

Sirius freezes for a moment then unconsciously leans into the touch.  
"You actually like it."Remus chuckles.

And Sirius feels with mortification how his cheek color with heat.

"I think wanting pats on the head and wanting other things don't have to be mutually exclusive."Remus muses and Sirius knows he's right.

Be it a pat on the head or a leash around the neck, Sirius will take it. He will take it and he will love it as long as it's from Moony.

Because Remus is both- an encouraging glance when he needs it most and a tempting curve of the lips that makes his gut twist with desire.

"James was right, I really am at your mercy."

Remus falls silent for a moment and then gives Sirius a bright smile.

"Good. This way I feel so much safer being at yours."


	6. Chapter 6

Sirius tumbles with the key of his apartment feeling too nervous under the stare he feels traveling up and down his body. The key falls to the ground and Sirius tries not to groan in exasperation.

He is not really ashamed of the hasty goodbyes and 'congratulations once again' they leave James and Lily with when the guests start leaving one by one, at what Sirius guesses is just about an hour short of dawn. He's not ashamed because it's hard to be ashamed of something that feels so right and so delayed. He's not ashamed, because even though he doesn't touch another glass that evening his head is spinning and he's high on the speaking glances and tender press of the lean body against his when he actually convinces Moony to dance with him.

He's drunk . Wasted. Smashed.

He's flying. Floating. Gliding.

And right now he cannot unlock his door because his hands are shaking too much.

Remus stands by. Watching. Observing, but not saying anything. Sirius can only hope that he feels the air vibrating too and that's the reason he doesn't comment on Sirius' state.

Sirius notes that in reality Remus has been quiet since Sirius managed to squeeze out through that heartbeat climbing up the back of his throat and trying to ignore the flips of his stomach that maybe they should go to his place. The guy simply nodded and climbed on the back of Sirius' motorbike as if it was the most natural and obvious thing in the world.

The lock clicks and Sirius tames the scream of victory bubbling up.

He steps inside and lets Moony pass.

The moment the door is closed behind them, Sirius is pressed up against it and being kissed thoroughly. There's a quiet 'clink' as the keys fall out of Sirius' hand and hit the ground.

He gasps when Remus steps closer and now it's not only his hands holding Sirius' face that are holding him in place but Remus' whole body. Hot, close and familiar in some ways and so very foreign in others.

Sirius tries to prompt himself to mutter something along the lines of 'eager' but of course nothing comes out, because for all he cares Moony is not eager enough and Sirius couldn't find his voice even if he wanted.

Remus is there and he is so very real.

His tongue is dancing in Sirius' mouth and his hair is so soft in Sirius' grasp.

"Hnn."Sirius finds his voice after all, not to say something though but to try to convey in embarrassing little sounds the storm of emotions all telling him that they're not close enough.

That they will never be close enough.

"Hmm."Remus responds and it's enough to get Sirius trying to rise his hips up and in contact with his and sliding his hands down his chest and tugging at the hem of Remus' shirt.

Remus pulls away and Sirius takes it as a personal insult and whines indignantly to which he receives a hot look of pure unadulterated lust and suddenly the insult is not at all that hurtful. It also helps when he sees that Remus is shrugging his jacket of and pulling at his tie to get it off with speed and force Sirius has never seen before.

Sirius grasps at his own clothes, mirroring Remus, but he's slower because to his dismay his hands are now not simply shaking but all gelatinous, somewhere in between uncontrollable and awkward.

"Shhh."Moony soothes quietly and leaves his shirt half unbuttoned, moving on to Sirius' clothes instead.

"Shhh yourself."Sirius pouts at him, because he's calm. Really. Not nervous at all. What is there to be nervous about?

Remus laughs still in hushed tones. But then stops and looks solemnly Sirius in the eyes.

"You… I mean this is kind of fast… if you…"

"Do you want this?"Sirius asks him instead.

Moony closes his eyes and breathes out a slow shaky sigh.

"I do."He responds and Sirius feels proud of himself because it is rare for Remus to openly and unabashedly admit that he wants something.

"Then why the hell are you talking when you should be fighting that stupid button. I swear someone put some kind of spell on it to make me look stupid." Sirius grumbles glancing down at Remus' fingers resting against the top button of his shirt.

"Right."Moony grins and pecks Sirius' lips quickly.

"What did you actually think I … you know what? I'm not saying it out loud."Sirius huffs at the guy who is staring at him with a small unsure smile.

"And now I really want to know what you were about to say."Remus hums and his fingers unbutton the top of Sirius' shirt slowly yet skillfully and Sirius wants to curse because somehow Moony's hands don't seem to be affected by that strange crippling disease that his own seem to have caught.

When Remus' fingers graze Sirius' neck the latter is suddenly ready to offer anything Remus asks for and thus a murmur escapes his lips.

"Did you actually think I would ever say no to you?"

And that question contains it all- 'Do you think I've not waited long enough?', 'Do you think your fingers are not able to convince me to jump of a roof?', 'Do you think I would be stupid enough to waste and opportunity like this when there's still chance that tomorrow you'll change your mind?', 'If I die tomorrow, I'm not going down without having you at least once if I can.' and 'As long as you'll have me, I'm always yours, in whatever way you want.'

Remus stares and stares and stares.

"I'm afraid we're in a bit of a situation then. If you can't say no. And I can't say no." He concludes finally with an impish smile.

"Oh well, let's just welcome our doom then." Sirius responds.

Remus tugs Sirius' shirt up then struggling to pull it off the guy over his head instead of bothering with buttons any longer. It is on the ground somewhere moments later.

Remus' eyes roam and it's a new feeling for Sirius to actually feel self- conscious. It's gone as soon as Moony reaches out and his fingertips move down Sirius' torso.

Surely such fire must leave marks. Scars. Tattoos.

Remus closes the distance and drags his lips down the side of Sirius' neck moving down in between the collarbones while the fingers caress his abs up and down stopping right above the waist of his pants.

Sirius cannot help the buck of the hips and the groan. He doesn't try to.

Instead he reaches out, tugging Remus' shirt up in desperate attempts to remind him that this is unfair.

Remus draws back and raises his arms allowing Sirius to remove it.

Moony's skin is all scars and ridges taut over lean muscles and broad shoulders and he has obvisously seen it already, but somehow, when he doesn't have to feel guilty for sneaking small glances and instead is allowed to just gaze and take it all in Sirius finds it even more beautiful than before.

Remus' hand reaches out to scratch the back of his neck nervously.

"Stop that."Sirius chastises catching the guy's shifting gaze and pouting. "Whatever you're thinking about yourself right now. Stop. "

He then proceeds to reach out his hand and touch Remus' abdomen and feels the muscles tense and constrict under his fingers.

"I've never wanted anyone more. In my life I've never wanted anyone more than I want you right now. And I highly doubt there can possibly be something stronger than this. So, because I can almost hear you thinking it, don't you dare put yourself down."Sirius states and pulls forward to kiss Remus, making skin touch skin.

He feels Remus' smile against his mouth and he's so happy.

When the kiss heats again and they're grinding against each other and Sirius can barely contain himself as Remus' hand slides down in between them and rubs the front of his pants he catches the wrist and pushes it away reluctantly.

"Bedroom. Fucking now." He growls.

"Right. Um."Remus rasps out swallowing.

Sirius feels him pull away painstakingly slowly as if it takes him all of his energy, as if they're stuck. Two human sized magnets.

"Now."Sirius repeats.

"Lead the way." Remus responds, glancing at Sirius with all the intensity in the world.

And after clumsily kicking off their shoes they stumble through Sirius' apartment only stopping to snog three times along the way.

When they're there and Sirius is backed up against his bed, almost dropping down on his back on it, Remus stops him, by hooking his hand on the front on the waist of his pants and holding him upright.

Sirius raises an eyebrow in question.

Remus grins and drops to his knees unceremoniously.

Sirius' head spins as he sees the guy start working on his belt.

"What are you doing?"Sirius gasps out when fingers accidentally (or not?) brush him, already straining against the material, tenting it, almost painfully uncomfortable.

"What am I doing?"Remus repeats looking up eyebrows raised. "I thought that was rather obvious."

Fuck. All that's going through Sirius' mind after that is 'fuck'. Both as a swear word and as a verb.

"Hnnn."Sirius grunts when the zipper goes down slowly. "Moony, don't-"

Remus pulls the pants down and kisses Sirius through the material of the underwear.

"No?" He then proceeds to mumble, which creates a soft blow of hot air which has Sirius breathing in sharply.

Sirius doesn't know how his fingers suddenly tangle in Remus' hair, but when he looks down they're there and Remus is smirking.

Actually smirking. Moony doesn't smirk. Good boys don't smirk like that.

Especially not while-

And there it goes… Sirius' underwear- down.

Remus pulls away slightly with the same naughty look. But there is something more than just that in the glint of his eyes. Something both tender and harsh and so very lovely.

"No?"He asks again and Sirius realizes that he is being teased.

"Who are you and what have you done to Moony?" He asks grinning, momentarily forgetting that he is certainly not in a position to push Remus' buttons.

"What have _you _done to Moony?" He gets a response. "Don't blame others. Take responsibility."

And then there's Remus hand gripping him and sliding up and down his shaft.

Sirius moans and his hand pulls at the dirty blond locks with more force than he wants it to, but he can't really control it.

Moony doesn't seem to mind. He increases the pace and leans forward parting his lips and Sirius watches in awe. Trying to keep himself in place, although his muscles scream at him to thrust forward into the warmth, he closes his eyes and bites the inside of his cheek.

He knows he overdoes it when iron taste of blood fills his mouth, but he cannot help it when he's suddenly buried in the heat and wetness and that's most definitely a tongue stroking him.

"Ahh."He replies to the sensation and is torn between opening his eyes and looking down because it's not exactly something he wants to miss and shutting them tighter because he knows he's not going to last long tonight and he certainly doesn't need the sight to bring him closer to the already fastly approaching release.

"Sirius."Remus whispers and the decision is made for him as he looks down to see Remus holding him with his hand and while his tongue runs down the side.

Certainly there is a law against staring at someone so unashamedly whilst doing something of such nature, Sirius thinks when their eyes meet.

Cheeks flushed, eyes dark and needy and hair between Sirius' fingers. He forgets everything as he buckl into the touch.

He then pulls at the hair, to make Remus retreat as his free hand catches the wrist and pulls the hand away too. Sirius hunches over to connect their mouths.

"Wasn't anywhere near to being finished."Moony complains between sharp breaths.

"Not tonight."Sirius responds.

He kicks off the pants pooling at his feet and uses the base of the guy's neck to pull Remus with him as he climbs backward onto the bed.

They stop as Remus props himself up on his elbows and away from Sirius' lips to just stare at him silently.

"What?"Sirius asks.

"Don't… I don't know if it's what you want to hear, but you're beautiful." Remus whispers as his eyes fill with softness.

And it's true that Sirius usually goes for 'handsome' or 'sexy', but as long as it's Moony saying things like that and looking at him as if gravity itself was not attracting him to earth but to Sirius instead, he would be fine even with 'pretty and cute'.

And 'beautiful' Sirius does actually understand, because he thinks that Remus is too.

"Oh? Am I?"Sirius asks and bats his eyelashes. "So nice of you to finally notice."

Remus laughs and resumes to kissing.

They're grinding against each other and though the material of Remus' pants is not exactly the harshest thing to rub against, it does remind Sirius that their states of nakedness are still unequal.

"Pants. Off."He grumbles.

"Bossy." Remus retorts chuckling.

"_I'm _bossy?"Sirius repeats incredulously.

"What?"Remus cocks his head to the side looking at Sirius with all the innocence in the world.

"Oh, just take them off."Sirius rolls his eyes.

Remus scrambles off the bed, and undoes his belt. He then unzips his pants and pulls them down and off together with his underwear. Sirius watches and is suddenly sad that they are only illuminated by the moonshine seeping through the window.

Remus climbs back onto Sirius and now they're pure flesh against flesh and Sirius explores the body atop of him with his fingers and then mouth and it's everything his wet dreams are made of and more.

Because his imagination could never come up with such a sexy moan that escapes Remus lips and fills the darkness when Sirius' nails dig into the guy's back.

He could never imagine the steady fast heartbeat he feels strong and vigorous against his chest.

And he certainly could never have known how hot the slight lip bite and the careful gaze is when Remus murmurs shyly asking about 'how is this going work?'.

"I don't particularly mind."Sirius responds but notes that somewhere around here is the time to let Remus know that Sirius has never been with a guy before.

"I honestly don't mind either."Remus replies and they stare at each other for awhile.

Sirius laughs.

"Well, okay. Since you're on top of me already anyway."He concludes and Remus chuckles.

"Sure?"

"Yeah." Sirius nods but then closes his eyes and turns his head away squeezing out. "Though I… I've never… ya'know…with a bloke."

"Oh."Remus breathes and his muscles tense.

"I don't mind. It's just."Sirius shrugs. It's his way to communicate that Remus shouldn't be surprised by inexperience.

"Maybe we should-"

"No."Sirius glares at the guy who is squirming away slowly and wraps his legs around him to keep him in place.

"Padfoot."Remus protests gently.

"No. You're doing it. I don't care about whatever you're thinking about. Come on."Sirius lifts himself up and rubs their hips together eliciting a low grunt from Remus as the guy shivers at the contact.

"Padfoot."This time it's more of a warning than anything else and Sirius knows that all he needs to do is push just a little bit more.

So he kisses Remus' neck, dragging his tongue down the skin.

"Hnnn." Is all Moony let's out before roaming his hands all over Sirius.

After a while Sirius hears Remus mumble something and he realizes Moony, his Moony, knows lubrication spells, as the guy's slick finger enters him, stretching gently.

Then second one follows after some time.

Then third and Sirius almost releases right then and there when the other hand wraps around him to stroke him angrily.

"Ahh."He rasps out.

"Okay?"He hears a hoarse whisper in his ear as Remus leans down to bite his neck softly.

Sirius just nods admiring the focused look on Moony's face trying to concentrate on the drop of sweat running down his cheek, to distract himself.

He's not speaking because he knows that if he opens his mouth then certainly something like 'just put it in already' will escape and Sirius is not stooping to that level tonight.

"Uh… can I?"Remus mumbles quietly.

"Yeah." Sirius responds glad that he didn't have to say it.

So Remus stops the stroking and his fingers leave Sirius.

He draws back and his eyebrows are furrowed and he's biting his lip and trembling slightly and there's that oh- so- familiar look in his eyes that makes Sirius…giggle.

Sirius starts giggling and mortification dawns on him.

"What?"Remus asks confused.

"You just…"Sirius starts and gasps as another giggle escapes his throat bubbling. "Sorry, it's just that you look… Scholarly thorough. Or thoroughly scholar. Like you used to look before exams. And during. And after."

Moony pouts and then hides his face in his hands.

"Sorry, sorry, continue, please."Sirius hums sitting up for a moment and dragging Remus' wrists away from his face.

"Please."He whispers again, laying back and spreading his legs wider.

Remus gazes up and down Sirius' body and Sirius feels his skin burn under the stare.

Reluctantly the guy settles between Sirius' thighs and using one arm to hold himself up while the other one adjusts everything.

Sirius fleetingly notices the sleek biceps of Moony's arm but then he's too distracted by Remus pushing into him to pay attention to anything else.

It's not extremely painful, but the dull ache is there as Remus slowly moves forward.

"Hey, shhh." Remus whispers hoarsely, nuzzling Sirius' neck with his nose. Sirius' relaxes his muscles and breathes in. "Shhh."Remus repeats kissing the skin under Sirius' ear and stopping once fully inside.

Sirius waits till the ache subsides and moves his hips a little to let Moony know that he can move now.

Remus thrusts, slowly at first but then groans and picks up the pace.

"Ahhh."Sirius watches Remus' lips fall open and eyes close shut as he moans and pushes up to kiss him, biting at the lower lip slightly.

"Fuck." Remus hums when he draws back for air and Sirius is inclined to agree as pleasure starts building and white heat pooling in his lower abdomen.

He licks and bites at Remus' neck, tasting the salty sweat and liking it.

Then Remus changes the angle slightly and-

"Holy fuck!" Sirius loses control of his actions, raising his hips to meet Remus half way, to just feel that again.

And he does. He does and he's writhing and twisting and pushing his hands down and gripping at every part of Remus he can reach, dragging his nails down the guy's back and biting viciously at his neck and shoulders.

After a particularly sharp bite gets him a soft hiss and the pace of the thrusts becomes faster Sirius suddenly realizes that Moony likes it. Likes the scratching and the bites. So he does more of both.

Remus reaches down between their bodies, somehow not losing the pace or the angle in the process, and starts stroking Sirius again.

Sirius lets out a yelp of pleasure.

And then it's all hot and dizzy and three more strokes and thrusts in, Sirius is moaning and spending himself on their chests, clutching at Remus for dear life and letting the waves of sheer pleasure shake his muscles.

Remus follows him shortly letting out a grunt and shivering violently over Sirius' body.

"Haa." Moony breathes out as he pushes shakily at the bed and collapses face down into the mattress beside Sirius, their legs still tangled.

Sirius swallows heavily, his body relaxing to the point where he knows that even if he wanted to move he couldn't. And he doesn't want to. Ever.

"Sirius." Remus muses, still breathless, his voice muffled by the blanket.

"Hm?"

"It's official."

"What is?"

"I'm your human chew-toy." Remus responds mock-gravely.

And it takes them exactly three seconds to burst out laughing. They're carried by the giddiness and the closeness of their bodies and Sirius could laugh and laugh till the end of times.

Because it is kind of funny. Because he is happy.

Because Remus is laughing.

"I love you."Sirius says after the laughter dies out and Remus turns his head to look at Sirius' eyes.

"We're stupid."Remus responds a note of sadness entering his voice. "This is not going to end well. We're in the middle of this chaos and I can just feel it coming. Death, pain, loss. We're stupid. We shouldn't-"

"Hey."Sirius growls. "It doesn't matter. If this was the last day before I die, I'd want to be exactly here. Now. With you. So it doesn't matter. The war changes nothing."

And Sirius can see disagreement in Remus' expression.

He knows that he's rather naïve and that the war can change so many things and probably will.

But he means it still. The war doesn't change tonight.

It doesn't change his fingers reaching out and finding Remus'.

Doesn't change his heart still racing in his chest.

Doesn't change the isle of happiness. The moment of pure joy standing still right now, held in between their bodies, locked in between these four walls.

"Sirius."

"Yes?"

"You're right."

"I know."

"Sirius, I love you too."

Fin.


End file.
